Dear Girls,

I'm so sorry I hurt your feelings last Saturday. I hope one day you'll understand the puppies had to go. We simply can't keep them all.

I agree, they were cute and cuddly... but they're dogs. And a house can only have so many dogs before you're a detriment to the island.

There's a simple ratio. One pet for every 2.5 people. Anything greater, and you're borderline crazy... or you should start building giant arks. Besides, we all know they're only cute for about three more weeks... and then they become evil, pooping, chewing, peeing monsters on four feet. You may as well just throw your favorite Barbie dolls to the puppies as a pre-sacrifice. They're sure to seek out and annihilate them anyhow.

The barking at 3 a.m. is enough with the two dogs we have. Can you imagine the howls with nine canines on the porch? Ughh. Trust me. You may sleep through it, but your mom won't. Her hearing is so sensitive, she can hear the fleas howl.

I love you dearly and I hate to break your hearts. But, please don't hate me. I'm sure the dogs will be placed in loving Samoan homes where they're only kicked occasionally. Maybe we'll visit them one day. Maybe we'll reminisce about the good old days when you'd drag them by their puppy legs through the dirt... or when you'd gently launch them into the ferns... or when you'd secretly kiss them and return with your lips smelling like puppy breath... or when you would occasionally step on their puppy toes and not move until we yelled... or when you'd play barefoot with them and come into the house with goo all over your foot. Good times.

Let's just be thankful for antibacterial soap and the dogs we have.

Love,

Dad.

p.s. I still have 2 puppies to give away. If no one takes them, I'm giving them to a Tongan friend who says he's been looking for a Size 2 puppy for his Sunday umu.